Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
