She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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