i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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