ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
