Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
