she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
