WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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