Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
