I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
