considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
