i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
