I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
