I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
