I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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