I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
