new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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