Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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