oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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