i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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