3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
