He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
