Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
