My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize