I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
