You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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