Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
