I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
