I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
