i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
