soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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