I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
