new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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