I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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