why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
