Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
