i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
