Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
