Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
