So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
