Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
