My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
