Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
