All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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