I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
