i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
