pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
