1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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