Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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