I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
