i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize