He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize