Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize