Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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