Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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