matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
