dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
