WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
