I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
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