I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
