he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I want a musical about memes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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