if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
