A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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