just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize