I think I died a long time ago.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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